When you can’t imagine you can fall to pieces in another’s sturdy arms and still be seen as whole
remember the universe only became the universe when it shattered into dust. — Andrea Gibson (via ohandreagibson)
“We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.” Marianne Williamson
I lost about 10lbs over the break and went from around 192 (probably more lbs) to 182. In the past week since I’ve been at school that’s been a bit stagnant, but I definitely have lost some fat percentage as I can see my collarbone a little bit more and the muscles in my arms are more defined. I’ve been doing tactical bodyweight training, and I take ballet and modern (for about an hour and 30 mins each) on Tuesdays and Thursdays weekly.
I haven’t seen many lbs drop since I’ve reached 182, however, and I would like to keep that number going down a little and get into the 170s by next week. It seems like maintaining my weight will always be relatively easy as long as I am active, but losing weight usually requires about an hour and 30 of cardio daily, and at least 15-30 minutes of intense running on the treadmill. This week. I’m moving to an intermittent fasting schedule. I will be doing all of my eating between 11:30AM and 7:30PM Monday through Saturday, and I will be fasting a full 24 hours on Sunday (meaning I will eat my last meal on Saturday before 7:30PM and abstain from eating again until 7:30PM on Sunday.) During fasting hours, I don’t drink juices, sodas or alcohol, and if I have tea, it’s without sugar.
Why am I doing this? When I don’t work out, I’ve noticed I have lower self-esteem, energy, and happiness. When I’m actively in the gym, my self-esteem feels higher, as well as my energy and happiness. However, sometimes it seems hard to keep going if I’m not seeing the pounds drop, so I try to balance those two interests while on the journey. The ultimate goal is to have abs and to be sexier, but not for someone else. Dating life and relationship life seem to both be difficult if one doesn’t have a strong relationship with oneself, so I’m trying to use this next 100 days to focus in on me.
Truth is, it’s been difficult to not pick up the phone and text someone just to cut the feeling of loneliness, but I also don’t feel strongly attached to reaching out to hang out with people or to have to maintain relationships. Perhaps I’m an old soul, but young life seems to… transitory to commit to anyone but myself. I haven’t always felt this way, but in the 3 months, I’ve begun to see how difficult it is to connect for me and for me to feel safe. And so, I’ve crafted my private space to be more of a retreat/hideout. I plan on spending some time in solitude, much more than usual, while I develop a comfort in being alone.
Decided to match (: #dateday #bubs #muah
via: little memory
I’m learning that everything in the world has a trade off.
Going to an elite university opens a whole network of people and professional possibilities, but reduces the freedom I have to be myself in personal interactions with those around me. My friends who didn’t go to high school or only attended community college or a public 4 year university back home, have a much more mundane life—with much less money, but are connected more closely to their past and in many ways are more grounded. I have friends who have bought houses, have kids, and have been working for several years, while, at my university, it is seen as too early to do most of those things.
Exploration is great, but it brings in a host of instability. To have all of your friends moving away to work in other cities is scary, but it can also be liberating because you don’t have to be attached to a place that no longer works for you.
In college, I major in comparative studies in race and ethnicity with a focus in identity, diversity and aesthetics. I studied and got to practice a lot of art and I learned a lot about human interactions and ultimately, myself. This has made me much more confident in myself in a lot of ways. Even confidence comes at a price, I’ve learned that what it takes to be have healthy self-esteem sometimes means sacrificing a certain way of being social in life, particularly at 23 years old. My friends enjoy going out to the club; I prefer not to be in places where alcohol or some other type of drug is a requirement for social interactions, even less do I want to be in certain spaces where my perceived racial or sexual identity, rather than who I am and what I’m interested in, are grounds for whether or not I’m worthy of being spoken to—which happens in certain spaces. Moreover, even what I studied, although it makes me a much more confident and resilient and strong person, has reduced my ability to be hired in certain fields which means that ultimately that self-esteem, confidence and independence is under threat if I can’t reach some level of financial stability.
I am applying to positions across a wide array of fields that will provide the experiences I need to build the career and life that I want to live, but non-profits—spaces which will allow me to present myself more authentically—all too often require 80hr/wk for what would be a part time salary in another field, but in another field, I wouldn’t be able to bring my full self to work.
Living a healthy lifestyle makes me feel much more loved and fulfilled, but it requires about 2 hours each day of physical and mental training. Being vegetarian helps that quest for a healthy life, but does it reduce my quality of life when I can no longer eat steak or bacon?
Everything costs. Being in a relationship brings a lot of stability and a feeling of comfort, but do I have the time to maintain that kind of connection—even though it allows me to take so many risks in other ways—at such a young age when I’m still developing maturity. Being single, reduces those concerns, but quantity of interactions all too often is at the expense of the quality.
I’ve heard it said that nothing is free in life. You can pay on the front in or on the back end, but either way, you’re going to pay.
Life at 23 years old is exciting, and every day is a new experience. But sometimes, I call my mom, and I realize I miss the mundane life of being a kid, of when other people controlled the outcomes in my life and I knew at 6PM their would always be a meal on the table and Saturday morning cartoons were the height of my week. Couch surfing isn’t cool, but being able to take a break from my job search to go to the movies one day a week is, not being able to pay for a movie because I’m not receiving a regular check isn’t.
I think I’m learning to go with the moment that I am in while carefully planning for the future, but not too far into the future. I’m learning to find appreciation and gratitude in the moment while allowing the moment to pass. I’m learning the value of a job and hard work, and the important of managing your finances well so that, when I’m older, I can get closer to creating the life that works for me.
But today, I’m not liking being 23 years old. Check in with me again at 33.
For some time, I have wanted change. I think we all want to see change on some level. We have built entire cultural movements out of them, from Occupy to the Civil Rights Movement to Feminism and more. We have entire blogs like positivelypositive.com or TinyBuddha.com. We have entire networks like OWN or TV shows like Extreme Makeover, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss, The Biggest Loser, etc. focused on change. Psychology is a booming industry. Personal trainers. Life coaches. Spiritual advisers. Psychics. Horoscopes. Dream readers. Entire occupations are built upon our need for change.
I don’t like change. Today, change is the thing I’m fearing—and it’s sister’s hope & fate. It’s the thing that’s debilitating me and yet a lack of resources to fully take charge of my life and change it also leaves me angered at my inability to create the change I want to see.
I think I’m artistically obsessed with dystopia and the impending zombie apocalpyse. Life is full of disruption; I imagine that a culture which is more readily created around scientific truths like entropy would ultimately be a more sane existence for all of us involved.
I watch The Walking Dead weekly because I find solace in their lives. For although their lives are filled with ever present danger, it’s the type of change that has constancy in it.
They can expect to be low on medical supplies, have gas shortages, struggle to find adequate food and nutrition, or healthcare and shelter in general. In the real world, we live through those same upheavals. We live in a time where there is no universal health care and the sad water downed Republican written excuse parading as universal health care—called Obamacare or the Affordable Care Act—is still under fire. We live in a time of rising gas prices. Does anyone truly believe in a stable oil market? We live in a world where a significant portion of Americans live in food deserts without grocery stories or any serious chance at nutrition aside from the nearest McDonalds.
I imagine the world of The Walking Dead as a dystopian paradise because it is filled with neither illusions nor hope—not that they be two mutually exclusive phenomenon. When the characters go to sleep at night or wake up in the morning, they are readily aware that they can lose their lives or the lives of someone else at any time.
Because of this, there is an urgency with which they live their lives. There is very little room for bullshit or thinking and very little in the way of institutions or outside expectations to keep them from being the change they want to see in their lives.
They don’t live in a world where unemployment is high and people are struggling to find jobs so that they can buy food, pay their house note, and cover their necessities. They live in a world where everyone is unemployed. Everyone is lacking the educational resources to fully provide for themselves. Everyone is a victim of hunger. Everyone is infected.
They live in a world where the playing field is leveled. I imagine that in that type of world, real desires come to true awareness and actions are imbued with clarity.
I imagine that is a world in which people can truly live everyday like it’s there last because there’s no one stopping them from doing so and there’s no promise of tomorrow.
They only have now. And if they’re lucky, they also have each other.